The matatu culture must be one of Kenya's most talked about , but more than half the time (that is my statistic, if you know any better make up yours) the focus is on the crew. Ever wondered what kind of peeps (and creeps) you commute with daily? Out of necessity I have found myself, at one time or other, spending a considerable amount of time in one. On an average working day I spend about six hours in a matatu, yeah six hours, two in the morning, two in the evening and if I have to run somewhere in the middle of the day another two hours. I can of course save at least two of these hours by walking. The distance from the office to my house is 45 minutes on foot. Yes I counted the last time Matatu crews wanted to see who is king, but who walks in Nairobi? Any way I digress, last weekend when I was rushing home in the evening I happened to sit next to two gentlemen. I was unfortunately squeezed in the farthest seat of the contraption. Let me give you an idea, if anything happens and your chances of getting out of the matatu in record time is nil you know which seat I mean.
So on the other end is a chap who must have just bought a new phone on River road and by the way he was looking at it, it must have been his biggest expenditure of the year.The chap between us was looking more bored than I was, a green paper bag held tightly on his lap. I am pretty sure it was not the paper bag you saw on TV carrying some poor guy's hydraulic system. And the culprit was dumb, someone asks you "what is in that paper bag?" and the guy goes, "sehemu za siri"(or something like that), I felt like jumping to death from my couch. A serious Kenyan entrepreneur would say, "unataka kununua?"
Anyway the proud owner of a new phone pulls out the phone's ear piece from its wrapping admires it then plugs it in. After peering at his china made phone for a while, he turns to the paper bag owner between us.
Phone owner: Unajua mahali redio iko?
At this time I am not interested in what is going on, just observing from the corner of my eye. The paper bag chap takes the phone, tinkers with the buttons for a little while and hands it back to a beaming owner.
Phone owner: Hey, na unajua kukoroga hizi vitu!?
Paper bag chap: Eh heh.
Now I am curious, trying to hold back my laughter while paying closer attention. The phone owner nods his head to some music playing on his ear piece then turns to the paper bag owner turned matatu phone geek. "Sasa unabadilisha station aje?" By now I am feeling like poking my head out of the window for fresh air and a good dose of laughter, but the paper bag chap does not even think about it, he reaches over and shows this serious Kenyan how to change stations. "Wa wa wa wa, kuna mpira unaendelea!" The phone owner in his loudest voice. By now the whole matatu is paying attention and I have a mind to tell him his clone of a phone might go dead even before it gets home just to burst his balloon. "Bado hakuna mtu ameona lango la mwingine, wako 2-2," at this point I could not hold back a chuckle. He glanced at me and went on, "wewe, (some players name) anachezea nchi gani?" I am not a football fanatic but I was pretty sure no match of that kind was playing at the time. By then we were almost getting where I was going but it was getting interesting. The bored paper bag chap turned phone geek turned information mine is also beginning to get irritated, "Chelsea," he says curtly. I thought this would shut the guy up, but then he goes, "hey hii mpira ni moto." We get to my stage, I am tempted to go on and come back with another matatu but I am forced to leave the paper bag chap and his new best friend going on.
This incident took me a while back, fresh at my job I was very keen on appearances, before I realised I was the only chap always in ties in the office. On this day I got out of the house in the morning in a suit. Halfway to where I was going, this chap gets into the car looking like KBL owes him. I am not worried until he alights before me. The whole left side of my black suit was dusty, looking like I had a sleepover in a ditch, and it was a Monday morning!
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